A piece I wrote and performed when I still had heteronormative delusions.
A woman, alone on stage, or in a room, or in front of a screen
So anyone here who met their significant other online? Anyone here who met their significant other online but would rather be bitten by a rabid dog than admit it in public? For the rest of you, the process is like this:
Register online
Stick up a few good photos, write a paragraph or two about yourself
Send interests
Receive interests
Connect via text/email if you’re interested
Meet for coffee/chai/beer if you’re really interested
Simple, right?
So here’s me thinking, ‘I love this, I love having things sorted, having a choice, getting a low-down on life goals and taste in music before I even have to talk to the chap… Best 4 grand I have ever spent!’… and here’s the Universe going <evil witch cackle>
Beta, you are such a dynamic girl! But our Bunty is a homely boy, he needs someone simple… Damn it! I knew I should have paid attention during dal-chawal making class!
Hina? Hin-nna? You’re a Muslim right?
No, I’m a human being…
But a Muslim human-being, right?
No, just a regular one. I’m spiritual, I believe we are all connected and that the good you do comes back to you in one way or the other…
What’s your surname? My parents want to confirm that you’re a Muslim…
Come on baby, let’s go party!
Aww! Aww! Aww! Yeah!
No, wait, your shoes are wrong…
Yeah, well, your face is wrong! Is what I thought… What I said was: ‘You really think so? Why?’ in the sad little belief that communication is the key to solving all problems, including understanding why a man would think ill of my foot-fashion…
You have to have closed shoes, they don’t allow you in the club with open shoes…
You know what clubs I go to? The ones that don’t allow idiots! The only thing I regret about saying that out loud is that I had to pay my own goddamn booze bill…
I am a Seaman
Believe it or not, my first instinct was to correct his grammar…
You’re not a semen, you’re semen, I’m semen, he’s semen, she’s semen, we’re all semen…
It took about half an hour of him talking about waves and ships and dolphins and the fact that he pays more as EMI for his new bungalow than I make in a month for me to understand that he was in fact A seaman… a sea-man… a sailor… Chief Captain with the Merchant Navy…
I live in Delhi, you live in Pune…
Yes, it says so on our profiles
So you’ll have to move to Delhi
Err, no… I like my city… I don’t think…
It’s okay, you’ll love Delhi too... when are you moving?
But we’ve only just started talking…
Arre, we can talk after we get married…
What? We’re not getting married!
All this on WhatsApp… he would have probably printed the invites if I had actually called him…
Another party monster, who wants to know if I have ever been to ‘adults only’ parties…
How old are you dude?
28
So, sorry, what other kinds of parties do you attend? You freaking peado!
No, I meant, couples-only parties… Where you know, they… you know
I think I preferred it when you were a paedo…
Tumhari kalai itni sooni kyu hai jaan-e-man?
For heaven’s sakes! The only suitable response to that is to strike a pose and break in to – ‘Gori hai kalaiya!’ Come on, you know the song… sing it with me… And then watch as he actually runs around the market place looking for the exact shade of ‘hari, hari choodiya’ to match my complexion while his complexion grows redder and redder by the minute…
I workout everyday…
Yeah, I noticed…
This is a picture of me right after a workout
Ooh… I don’t think the censor-board will allow it…
I worked on my legs today…
I worked on some chicken-legs today
Why are you having that coffee? It has too many calories in it…
Frankly, if I had to base my understanding of men just by what I read on their Shaadi.com profile descriptions… my conclusions would go thus…
My Friends describe me as… kyu bhai, apne aap ko describe nahi kar sakte? Ek kaam karte hai, let me just date your friends to get to know you better…
A mix of traditional and modern values… hmmm… so you want me to wear a micro-mini in the kitchen… or perform the Gayatri mantra as spoken word… or order for pizza while I press your feet? Zara specifications to dena balma…
Smart living high thinking… Hmmm… no, I have nothing smart to say about that…
Family-making and home-making are the most important things for a woman… Arre beta, meri high-brow, super-ambitious, start-up entrepreneur profile to pad lete yeh kehne se pehle!
But the real thing that online matrimony teaches you is to reject things in 5 minutes or less…
Reject because
He’s not good-looking enough
Because he’s not ambitious
Because he doesn’t have a plan
Because he isn’t nice to animals
Because he’s not making enough money
Because he still lives with his parents
He talks too much about religion
His surname is Menon… don’t ask me why, it’s a very traumatic story
He doesn’t have appropriate grammar… ‘Myself Pappu’, ‘What kind man you want?’ ‘Me working in private sector’, ‘Looking for someone who really wants to sattle in life’,
He’s vegetarian
He doesn’t drink
Because his profile says he is okay with girls in the age group of 18-32
Because he wears sunglasses all the time
Because he has dhai kilo ke biceps
Because his name is funny (trust me if people called Dyaneshwar, Purananshu, Ishwar, Sheetal and KKR wanted to date you, you’d know what I mean)
He calls me things like ‘baby’, ‘honey’, ‘sweety’
He says he loves me
He won’t fix a time to meet me
He wants to meet me all the time
Because he doesn’t text me enough
Because he texts me too much
Because he asks for my pictures
Because he doesn’t ask for my pictures
The list goes on and on… At a certain point, I was even rejecting guys because they were too good-looking or were making too much money! I might even post this list online like a disclaimer… But the real clincher… is the excuse-guy
‘Baby, I can’t talk to you right now… something’s come up… I’ll tell you when we meet in person…’
Seriously dude? Why can’t you just say you’re not interested? You don’t like someone, say ‘dekho behenji, I am sorry, but you are not my type.’ I mean, we’ve only been texting a couple of days, what do you think I will do, track you down via GPRS and leave dog-poop on your doorstep? I think this whole ploy of keeping-people-hanging-because-you-don’t-want-to-hurt-them-but-really-you-are-probably-to-chicken-to-let-go-of-the-bush-the-bird-and-it’s-eggs, should be criminalized. I mean if we could find a reason for 377, we can definitely find a reason for this. If nothing else, I could probably say it hurts my religious sentiments, the true and noble faith of ‘nobullshitism’, which being a minority, needs special rights and protection. And when we, the true believers of nobullshitism actually reach the enlightened state of ‘giving-a-damnism’, we might actually form a political party and go break down a Shaadi.com Centre or something…
And since I promised someone this piece isn’t going to be a tirade against men, I’m not even going to get started on the dude who actually went through six different numbers to stalk me and send insults via text when the calls got blocked, or the dude who thought it was okay to burst in to abuse when I turned up late for a date, or the buffed up bloke who sent me pictures of everything from him house to him in underwear and dared me to go find someone ‘bigger’… Apparently ‘size does matter’ to him… But I wont tell you about them… I promised…
And it’s not like I have gone all over the country-side rejecting men… Men, you may be shocked to hear, have rejected me too… Either with a delayed rejection blow-off of ignore-her-till-she-goes-away or by just clicking on the ‘Disinterested’ button… Unlike some of the men who clearly haven’t been taught how to deal with rejection and would rather rave, rant, abuse, stalk or lecture when rejected, but I am not going to talk about them, cause I promised… I have no issues with rejection… A simple ‘no’, which always for some reason comes from the dashing, debonair, dudes who I can see my happy future with works wonders with me…
Actually, in my case, the best thing would be if those dudes came back with a two to ten-page report on why I am being rejected with a personality assessment and constructive feedback. I am not saying it would make me happy that you think I drink too much or have the worst sense of fashion or that I overanalyze and fuss over things, but at least it would make sense.
Four thousand bucks, over 250 profiles and fifty first dates, I have no clue where girls get boyfriends from. Clearly, even online shopping leaves me with an empty wardrobe…
I went to a place where they had 3-D printers and thought I would print me one… but they just informed me that technology hasn’t advanced that far yet… So till science catches up with the daydreams of single girls… all I can do is…
(take rose in hand kneel in front of audience)
Mujhse Shaadi Karonge?
I have been single all my life.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I have never been in a committed relationship.
And it took a bunch of sexual and dating horror stories for me to find my way to my identity as a queer person.
I have questions about our cultural concepts of marriage and romance. Because they have always eluded and excluded me.
Nonetheless, it's been two years since I accepted I am bisexual.
It's been six months since I accepted I am demiromantic. And two since I accepted I am asexual.
It's been a few weeks since I came out to my family.
Maybe that's why I chose Amrita Sher-Gil's art to adorn this post. If you want to know more about her and her love of both men and women and her struggles with her own sexuality, read this interesting 2018 piece by Tariro Mzezewa written for The New York Times.
If you'd like to talk about this piece or the terms I've listed to describe myself, I will listen. And respond. Get in touch.
If you'd like to perform this piece or use it for an audition, just write in to let me know and give me playwright credit when you do!
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